Bayern Munich’s pursuit of Harry Ka– nah, sorry, we just can’t do it, it’s triggering. But we can regale you with a freshish rumour involving Bayern Munich. According to tonight’s digital chip paper, Manchester United would like to spend their Harry Maguire winnings on Bayern’s Benjamin Pavard, whose ability to play centre-back and right-back – and score the occasional thundercracker from 25 yards – would stop those nasty fever dreams Erik ten Hag keeps having.
United reportedly have back-up options should Bayern tell them where to stick their £30m: Jean-Clair Todibo of Nice, Edmond Tapsoba of Bayer Leverkusen and – fire up the English Tax calculator – Marc Guehi of Crystal Palace. But their pursuit of Fiorentina’s Sofyan Amrabat may have taken a wrong turn, with suggestions that Amrabat has been wooed by talk of midfield badassery from Atlético Madrid manager Diego Simeone.
Bayern, meanwhile, are offering to take eight syllables off Chelsea’s squad list by signing Kepa Arrizabalaga. And Chelsea, who have been trapped in a Moisés Caicedo hall of mirrors all summer, may try to escape and sign Southampton’s Roméo Lavia instead. Half the price, only one extra syllable.
No self-respecting team leaves home without a top-class defensive midfielder these days, and Juventus would quite like to extract Thomas Partey for his burgeoning tactical bromance with Declan Rice. Mikel Arteta isn’t so keen on that, but he is tempted to offer Folarin Balogun and Takehiro Tomiyasu to Internazionale in exchange for indefatigable midfielder Nicolò Barella, who was last seen slowing to a jog sometime in April 2021.
The Italian champions Napoli want Brighton’s Julio Enciso to laser 30-yard shots into the top corner for them this season, and they are also keen on Celta Vigo’s young midfielder Gabri Veiga. As are Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool
Aaron Cresswell’s educated left foot may swap West Ham from Wolves. If so, West Ham will try to sign Chelsea’s Dutch left-back Ian Maatsen on loan. Maatsen spent last season at Burnley, who would welcome him back with open arms. Manchester United’s Álvaro Fernández is their contingency plan.
Now, about Harry Kane. There are no updates this morning but there probably will be before sundown, and there’s nothing you or we can do about it.